What makes a man?

By Andrew Haslam

London, UK

A theologian from the USA, Vern Poythress, has written down the fascinating method he devised to help his boys become men (www.frame-poythress.org/poythress_articles/1999How.htm). It involves a number of tests, including things as diverse as table etiquette and serving the needy, but also goals such as ‘Know Bible history’, and ‘Know Greek and Hebrew (amount of knowledge tailored to the child’s ability)’. This all culminates in a ceremony at which the boys formally graduate into manhood (aged thirteen) and so models a father’s intentional efforts to buck the cultural trend of never-ending boyhood.

Something young guys regularly express is a real yearning to be fathered in order that they might have guidance in growing up to become godly men. For me, growing up with my dad (Greg Haslam) has had an incalculable impact on my life. I don’t want to paint my upbringing in unrealistic hues, but certainly I’d be a fool not to admit that God has been incredibly gracious to me in giving me such a father, who is undoubtedly one of the most uncompromising and manly preachers of our day.

Daily guidance

Dad never overlooked his responsibility to me or my two brothers in helping us grow up in the fear of the Lord. It was customary for dad or mum to pray with us daily, and for dad to read to us every morning before we went to school. We looked at books like John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress (illustrated version), and Myths and Miracles by David C. C. Watson, on the theme of creation, since evolution-bashing is one of dad’s pastimes. I can’t tell you how much we enjoyed this time with dad.

When we asked dad questions on any subject we were sure to get good answers, and it was never, ‘Because the Bible says so,’ or worse, ‘Because I say so.’ No way. He would tell us the history of an idea, the Biblical references, the logical reasoning – we would generally receive a ‘mini-sermon’. This fatherly wisdom and guidance gave us a foundation on which to develop our thinking in all of life.

Knowing that I sensed the call of God toward pastoring, dad guided me in my studies, then into ministry, and I now work for him. Since I lived at home until getting married at 24, I’ve learnt almost everything I know about pastoring and doctrine from him, having spent countless hours ‘talking church’ over meals. He regularly supplements my growing library with precious volumes he has picked up second-hand in dusty bookshops, and he shows a concern in every aspect of my life. This, to me, is true fathering.

But, sadly, not many guys have been as blessed. So the question I’m getting to is this: when many young men wish they could be fathered, taught what matters, graduate into manhood, learn how to do stuff, how is all this possible when true fathering is a somewhat rare phenomenon? How does a guy become a Christ-like, bona fide, grown-up, responsible man, regardless of whether he can grow a beard?

Growing older or growing up?

This is something I feel passionate about because too often I see young men who can’t stick at anything, meandering aimlessly, and never realising their potential; young men who don’t understand responsibility, who don’t lead, who won’t serve diligently, who can’t make up their mind about who to marry, who still act like boys, talk like boys, and generally have about as much clout as boys.

It is sad when guys make the excuse, ‘I can’t help it, I didn’t have a dad.’ It’s equally frustrating when they say, ‘I just need someone to disciple me. I don’t feel I can serve because nobody has fathered me.’
The reality is that probably the majority of pastors were never properly discipled or fathered, and my dad would be one of those guys. His biological father was abusive, then absent (his parents’ divorce made News of the World). And yet the potentially generational pattern of abuse and wickedness was broken when dad came to Christ and, with great grace, became a loving husband, a devoted father and a pastor’s pastor. How was that possible?

The answer, I believe, lies in our relationship to Jesus, the Authentic Man, who is the ‘author and perfecter of our faith’ (Heb. 12:2).

So, to all you would-be-men out there: stop making excuses! The solution to your transformation does not depend on better nurturing, though that might help, and the responsibility does not chiefly lie with others. On the contrary, first and foremost you’re called to follow Jesus, and he has many ways of making you grow up, if you let him.

Stephen, a manly man

Let me direct your attention to Stephen, whom we read about in Acts 6-7. Stephen was probably a Greek-speaking Jew, and probably fairly young, judging from the way he addresses the Sanhedrin as ‘fathers’ (Acts 7:2). We don’t know if Stephen ever met Jesus, but he certainly doesn’t appear anywhere in the gospels. Perhaps he was among the crowds who heard Jesus teach, but then again, he may have been converted at Pentecost. What we do know is that he wasn’t one of the Twelve. He was just a regular guy in the Jerusalem church.

And yet, of all the men in the New Testament, Stephen reminds me of Jesus the most. Whatever else we say of him, we have to concede that he was stunningly Christ-like.

Christ-like characteristics

First, he is described as ‘a man full of God’s grace and power’ (Acts 6:8). This is a combination Campbell-Morgan describes as ‘sweetness and strength’ – that manly quality which is most perfectly seen in Jesus. Christ modelled what it means to be ferocious against sin, whilst also being sensitive to people’s weaknesses; he could wither his opponents with a question, and yet the scum of society found him accepting; he intimidated hypocritical religious authorities, and kids adored him. Stephen seems to have had some similar qualities, being, no doubt, a charmer to the old widows but a fierce debater against the proud men in priestly robes.

Second, Stephen is also a servant … who does miracles. The first reason he emerges in Acts is as a candidate to take on the menial jobs the apostles were distracted by. Most of us young men give off an air of self-importance that inaudibly says, ‘I’m not here to serve.’ However, Stephen, like his master Jesus, was a true servant. This is seemingly contradicted by his miracle ministry. In our day you’d expect a guy like Stephen to have a ministry named after him, swing a lollipop microphone and shout ‘bam’ whilst driving out cancers. But, like Jesus, Stephen is a man of remarkable gifts wrapped up in humble packaging.

Third, Stephen inspires the same reactions from the religious authorities as Jesus did. The accusations they hurl at him have a ring of familiarity. They say, ‘This fellow never stops speaking against this holy place [the temple] and against the law. For we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and change the customs Moses handed down to us.’ Haven’t we heard this stuff before? (See Matt. 26:59ff.) Clearly, Stephen’s preaching was a lot like Jesus’ preaching, provoking the same response.

Fourth, in the end Stephen dies like Jesus – innocent, and willing to forgive. As he is kneeling, with stones being lobbed to smash his brains in, he says these words; ‘Lord Jesus, receive my spirit … Lord, do not hold this sin against them’ (Acts 7:59-60).

The point I’m trying to drive home is that young men need to realise they are disciples of Jesus, first and foremost. He’s the master, and it is Christ-obsession that leads to Christ-likeness. Stephen was a true example of a Christ-obsessed young man, since he was willing to die for the gospel, in particular the claim that we can worship God through Jesus and not in a temple.

I have no doubt that earthly fathers (real and spiritual) have a huge role to play in shaping us. My dad has had an immense influence on my life, as have other men, for which I thank God. But the job of making us like Jesus is primarily held by Jesus, and both parents and mentors are among the many instruments he uses. Jesus makes it his personal mission to shape your character as he lives in you. That’s why Peter is happy to tell people who never met Jesus face-to-face that, ‘His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him …’ (2 Pet. 1:3).

Luke emphasises three times that Stephen was a man full of the Holy Spirit (Acts 6:3, 5, 10). Luke wants us to know that this guy was special because he was flooded with the Spirit of Jesus. He was also a man full of Jesus’ words, the Scriptures, being able to recall and apply Israel’s history in a creative way. His obsession with Christ and with the gospel, his intimacy with his Master through means of the Spirit, his imitation of Jesus’ preaching and Jesus’ death, all resulted in a young man who was exceptionally Christ-like.

Young men, you need to know that you are Jesus’ personal project. You are his bondservants. Earthly fathers should labour to point us to Jesus, as my dad has. Jesus is calling you to radical discipleship through immersion in all things Christ-oriented, that is, his Word, his Spirit, his body, his cross. Only then will you, like Stephen, mirror Jesus as men full of grace and power, being servant-hearted miracle-workers, inspiring hatred from the Enemy, yet courageously extending mercy to a blind world.